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Canine Candidate Selects Running Mate

December 18th, 2011 · No Comments

Passed over for participation in the Iowa candidates’ debate, a canine contender for President has announced her pick for the Vice Presidential slot.

Porschy (not her real first name) is a part Pyrenees, part Golden political novice running as a respresentative of the t-bone wing of the GOP (Grassroots Organization for Pooches). The pooch party’s t-bone faction, a burgeoning social and political force among animals in captivity, espouses a single-message social agenda: Personhood for dogs. The loosely organized coalition contends that in the wake of the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision on Citizens United in 2010, dogs, like corporations, should be granted First Amendment rights as citizens. Some more extreme member groups additionally espouse the principle that personhood (and citizenship rights) should date from the point when sperm and egg combine to create a canine embryo. Porschy has not indicated a position on this controversial contention.

In a prepared statement, Porschy characterized her Vice Presidential pick, Louie-the-Pug, as a “a tireless and unflagging advocate for the principle of animal personhood.” Louie, who lives in a California coastal county, “has passed the litmus tests for honesty, personal dignity, and sensitivity to issues of justice for animals in captivity,” Porschy noted, stating: “As a Beltway outsider, Louie is unlikely to be swayed by the persiflage of Washington pundits or led astray by specious reasoning. He will stay on message.”

Louie-the-Pug will make an ideal vice president, Porschy added: “He is pugnacious and tenacious. Louie will hound legislators on behalf of my agenda as Commander in Chief. He will also stand up for the little guy.”

“Together,” she added, “we will make a winning team, which can capture the White House and achieve real changes for the condition of ordinary animals everywhere. We are the real outsiders.”

The golden-haired candidate tends to be wary of the press. In a rare interview with buckdata.com, Porschy explained that she, like Louie, has a busy schedule “occupying the yard.” and cannot take out much time to speak with representatives of the human media. She has not appeared on Fox News and prefers to stay home Sundays with her human family, rather than appear on talk shows.

Buckdata.com has learned, however, that selection of other members of the t-bone transition team is already quietly under way. Under consideration at this time, according to a highly-placed source with the campaign, speaking not for attribution, are Massachusetts residents, Daisy and Tucker, who are being vetted for cabinet posts at State and Homeland Security, respectively. Both reportedly have the winning charm of able politicians and impressive pedigrees in inter-species relations.

Porschy has not yet opened a campaign office in Iowa, but contends that that is not a problem. “The caucuses will be able to hear me from the West Coast,” she said, adding: “My bark is definitely bigger than my bite.”

Porschy declined to comment on the failure to include her in the recent Iowa debate, noting only that her participation at last week’s event would probably have leavened the quality of discourse.

Tags: American Grotesque

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